platonic domination

 frustrated, overwhelmed but empty-eyed

and frankly you can’t tell how much i’ve tried

but this is how i’ve felt since i turned my eyes

to the window and through, to the world outside

disgustingly sadistic is what you are

ego up while beating the others down

against their will like a herd of swines

bored with the few who want to die for you

*just like you, i look for ways

to stroke and feed my ego but i hate you

you’ve hurt me and i wish you’d never ever

obtained so much power over people*

**you apply your systematic violence

to everyone who has outrage in their eyes

your desire to scare and overpower

is fucking toxic shit that you should eat and die**

just like you, i look for ways

to stroke and feed my ego but i’m not you

i’ll sit and wait till they crawl to me

an offering of what they’d do for me

i'm sure it would be nice, what they'd do for me

-in my insanity

i shall retreat to dreams

of a utopia

where you do not exist-

--in my insanity

i shall retreat to dreams

of everyone’s free will

to be good to me--

---in my insanity

i shall retreat to dreams

of a utopia

where i’m the perfect queen---

>in my insanity

i shall retreat

to platonic domination…..<

cruelty is a funny thing

it depends a lot on what you bring

everybody hurt must be avenged

so if you’re a real bastard, then the game must change

*...*

just like you, i look for ways

to stroke and feed my ego but i’m not you

i’ll sit and wait till they crawl to me

i’ll sit and wait till they crawl to me

an offering of what they’d do for me

i'm sure it would be nice, what they'd do for me

i have never seen such a pathetic mess

with the way you smile and the way you dress

you can’t do it the right way, please do admit

that when it comes to this, you submit or quit

you piece of shit, just exit

the world that you’re turning into a pit of spit

you’re so sick – that’s it, i’m kinkshaming

there’s no justification for your victim blaming

you can’t do it the right way if you choose between

fear, restraint of rights and your war machine

feel these two different kinds of obscene

revolution comes with this new good queen

*...*

**...**

I DESERVE

MY REVENGE

you’re the only

actual slave

but today

you will see

the masses come in

by themselves to kiss my feet

- ... -

> ... <

--- ... ---

in my insanity

i retreat

to platonic domination

of plutonic fascination

of consensual fornication

of anal lubrication

of skin exfoliation

of love intoxication

nenávrat

mezi měňavými patvary cigaretového kouře

spatříš tvář mdlou a unylou s papírovou kůží

zkrachovalý básník zachraptí: jen pojď a zavři dveře

ze zdi na tě shlíží malá dívka s bílou růží

ptáš se, zda je tím, koho každý hledá

jestli se skrývá proto v podkroví

ale tíha z neznáma na hrdlo ti sedá

a ústa jen tichou prosbu vysloví

vzpomínáš si matně na ty oči plné kalu,

co se rozzářily, když volals jejich jméno

za obzorem zapadají zbytky jejich žalu

a svou píseň nedozpívá duše, co už nemá cenu

ztratils pojem o čase a bloudils do neznáma

v jámě utrpení našel čaroděje nekonečna

ptáš se znovu: „jsi to ty?“ a hlava tiše kývá,

když si znovu saháš na život a slyšíš hudbu věčna

já nemám ňic

já nemám nic, co by sis přál

nemám nic

a říkám ti pořád dál

já neporadím, nevysvětlím, cos kdy měl a mohl mít

já nevyzradím, neznesvětím tajemství v podkroví

máš posledních pár chvilek, než se probudíš

máš posledních pár chvilek, ať si s ním promluvíš

posledních pár chvilek, než se probudíš a zjistíš

že se ti zdá, že se ti zdá

že se ti zdá, žes našel Boha

že se ti zdá, že se ti zdá

že se ti zdá zas a znova

tak se mi zdá, žes to posral, kámo

mně se ti zdá, že sis zase šlehnul,

tak ti zdá, že jsi možná našel

odpuštění, vykoupeňí, jenže ono to tak není

že se ti zdá, že se ti zdá

že se možná vzbudíš a ona bude žít

že se ti zdá, že se ti zdá,

že se snad někdo slituje, se ti zdá

před očima bliká ti ta tvář kulatá vyčítavá

básník stařec žehná, v agónii tě uvrhne znova

svíjíš se v bolesti ze sladkého křiku dívky

v jejím klíně probudil ses, tam našels boha

v35m1ry

 zas padá

hvězdný prach na město, které už šlo spát

usíná

smysl postrádá

třeba se už zítra rozpadne svět

a třeba se rozpadnu já

možná že žili jsme jen na pár let

a možná že stačí nám

vědět, že není proč

modlit se k vesmíru

modlit se za lásku

že sis mě vymyslel

sám

ležíš a spíš

krajinou myšlenek procházíš se

já nepoznám

proč se usmíváš

třeba ti do pití nalili jed

a možná ses otrávil sám

a možná že z vidiny své prozříš hned

a možná že krajinou

myšlenek projdu se

tebe na polštáři

do nití zamotám

nohama omotám

já

uteč přede mnou

mrzí-li tě, jak to vypadá

když mi sám dáváš příliš

pověz, co ti je

a nacpi mi do srdce

co se ti nevejde

plač se mnou

a pověz mi

pověz mi

pověz mi

kdo koho miluje, kdo koho zrazuje

kdo komu vhazuje do okna kamení

má duše putuje, mé srdce sděluje,

že se nic nemění, přetrvá vědění

že to vždy bude ta hořká a kyselá

sladká a voňavá, temná a bolavá

smrt, která miluje, láska, co zabíjí

po13té

 v očích vidíš všechno a ňic

nepomyslíš už na ňic víc

položíš se

odevzdáš se

tam na slunci v suché trávě

tam za starým zrezlým plotem mezi stromy

kéž bys tam jen nebyl sám

uvidíš mě v ranní mlze

pod jedním z těch stromků stát

na tom místě čekala jsem

na toho, co mě míval rád

na tom místě

pohřbila jsem

svoje tělo a šla spát

pod přikrývkou z černé hlíny

v mlze prášků na spaní

když mě zradil, přijde jiný

podvolí se své paní

když ti letní vánek hladí vlasy

napadá tě, že ti asi

hlavou běhá nevídaná

tvář té ženy, co tu stála

tam za starým zrezlým plotem mezi stromy

kéž bys tu jen nebyl sám – ty nejsi

uvidíš mě v ranní mlze

pod jedním z těch stromků stát

podvanácté neodolals

já si znovu mám s čím hrát

zítra za mnou přijdeš zas

potřinácté potřinácté potřinácté potřinácté

potřinácté potřinácté potřinácté potřinácté

potřinácté potřináctépotřinácté potřinácté

potřinácté potřinácté potřinácté potřinácté

POTŘINÁCTÉ NAPOSLEDY

na tom místě

pohřbila jsem

svoje tělo a šla spát

(čas proměny, čas jít spát

slastná závrať

pulsující teplo prasklých žil pod kůží maluje svůj abstraktní příběh

na mých kostech položím tě

(čas proměny, čas jít spát

pod přikrývkou z černé hlíny

svázán šlahouny trní

odvedu tě na druhý břeh

už budeme navždy sví

tunnel vision

 don't i seem aware enough

to know what makes me hard to stick with

don't i look like someone

trying to base it all on reason

you know it sometimes gets

too ugly when you haven't slept well

does that mean you want to act that way

and you're like that?

*you mean nothing

but it's not yourself that hurts me

it's the existence of people like you

and the absence of discussion

and the decision of faking it too

why not ask me why i'm like this

you'd be given more than you see

maybe you would realize i'm

not the content of your tunnel vision*

is it just way too much to notice all the circumstances

no way let's define a person just by one thing and tell all the others

she's a 100% like that i don't want her there

ain't there something you yourself

want others to consider that would

make them understand you're not just what they think

*

you mean nothing / you're not worth it

it's not you i work on my flaws for

it's the scheming / and the way you

only know what you want to

i'm not welcome/ for my bad moods

out of context, don't you have them too

not so tiny clues you don't see

point the other way than what you think i do

alkoholismus

 Strhaná matka se zjeví ve dveřích jako přízrak a pokyne ti, ať vstoupíš, rukou s nedopitým

lahváčem, dnes už sedmým. Podstupuješ odznova rituál příchozího ve světe neorganizovaného přežívání

ze dne na den. Technicky vzato, přežití těla je snažší bez těch lahví, ale kdo to upře své ztrápené duši, kdo

by dobrovolně a s ostrými smysly čelil realitě?

Děti se k sobě stulí pod stolem za přehozenou dekou – jejich forma úniku ze skutečnosti; ti starší

už se neobejdou bez magických elixírů.

odrhovačka o múze

 polofunkční paradigma

řídí sotva funkční hlavu

a v sotva funkčním stavu

mi ji drásá fotosensitivita

a v tom světle chybí mi tma

pach kůže a chuť krve

a co se stalo prve

to už historie nesmí vrátit

já

udržuju zadržuju vydržuju nadržuju

je to hlubší, ale vždycky jenom

múza má bude ještě spát

a pak náhodou

vrátí se mi do života

múza má pětapadesát

šrámů na srdci

a každý z nich se stříbrem potáh

múza má klekla přede mnou

a co řekla mi,

to mi dosud tepe v břiše

múzo má, až se probudíš

v sobě skryju tě

tiše tiše

a tak sedím

a táhne mě to dolů

a tak od svého stolu

vzlétám do světa, kde všecko řídím

já

udržuju zadržuju vydržuju nadržuju...

....

bude to tajemství

bude to krevní pakt

bude to jenom sen

bude to věcnej fakt

bude to nemožný

bude to ideál

bude to nemocný

myšlenka zvrácená

bude to naděje na zkázu

stvořená k tvému obrazu

která vždy zmizí, když se rozední

naděje umírá poslední

ale co se stalo prve?

jen chlad a pachuť krve

to už historie nesmí vrátit

mirage

 disintegrating

surrounded by one-way mirrors

time and space are changing so fast

and all the pillows

are filled with infinite feelings

corroding the feathers inside

and something's breaking

i can feel it

if the world's meant to end some day

no one knows but it is today

it's never really been there

but sometimes, i acted as if it had

and i had dreamed of that

'cause that's the only thing left we can do

before it gets us

though there's never been anybody but me

but how could i be so sure

even i exist at all?

my head's aching, forgive me please

for not being the one you need

i have known all along

that all of this was just wrong

the towers are falling down anyway

time will never let anything stay

walking flesh is rotting on our bones

and mirages will soon be gone

all of this time

i could see how absurd it way

and yet i tried

to pull you out of your world

and i am sorry

i've been holding the weight of my guilt

the sky is clouded

just let it rain

no matter what you do, in the end

you are bound to lose some friends

even if you try your best

it's all part of this teenage mess

the towers are falling down anyway

time will never let anything stay

walking flesh is rotting on our bones

and mirages will soon be gone

take your chances while you can 'cause everybody dies alone

and i've been running

without ever actually being chased

and i'm still trying

still trying to be the best

at everything humans can do

but we are unable to live

without falling apart one day

the day it gets us

means either rebirth or death

fate never lets us

choose the easy path

and illusions, mirages

they will soon be gone

'cause in the end,

everybody dies alone

memory shadow stain scar

 staring into the voidy everythingness of the black sky

singing out loud with tears flowing

running away but lonely

wishing to die but slowly and in no pain at all

a déjà vu from back when there was no colour

there’s water dripping from the ceiling in the cave of my memory

you were there too, but i was hallucinating

i dreamt of really sick stuff

can you feel the voidy everythingness of the black sky?

do you sing with tears flowing?

do you know the feeling that has no name at all?

is it just mine or is it a worldwide phenomenon? 

one night i’ll see you there

sitting in my tree

i will count to three

one.. i’m sitting … i’m lying i’m dying

one… i’m pushing my hands onto my ears in a spasmodic endeavour to curl myself up in my bed, madly shocked, awoken by a scream in the distance

two… the web separating the worlds is so thin i see a pale thin i see a pale thin shadow of a person, i’m shaking in my own anxious bubble getting smaller

three… i feel his cold hand lightly touching mine

i scream and it’s all gone

i will come to thee

i will count to three

one… i’m pushing my hands onto my ears in a spasmodic endeavour to curl myself up in my bed, madly shocked, awoken by a scream in the distance, a scream of my own

two… there’s a sound of glass being broken and something hits me… i’m falling, covered in gashes

three…

i’m in your arms crying and so are you, in the voidy everythingness of the black sky

we’re singing with tears flowing down our faces

mixing with the blood on us

singing like we’re going to die

pop rats

 how do you think i’ll make my way in a world where everyone screams but nobody listens to what i say, listens to what you say, what he says, what she says

and how do you think i’ll make my way in a world where everyone sells but nobody buys ‘xcept for mainstream ideas, conformist bullshit

but hey, here i come, i’m number one

*they love my instagram makeup, high-waisted shorts, i am a goddess for troubled teens

they write the songs for me, they tell me what to say, no one cares i don’t know what it means*

well, i can not really tell what’s fake and what is true

and i do respect popstars ‘cause there must have been something about them once

and oh my god, there’s no way autotune could create the awesomeness of some of them

so what is the thing about show business that makes me wanna puke?

*...the goddess of...*

**i have a thigh gap and D-cups, my daddy’s a blessing to the society

i haven’t eaten since last week so my cheekbones stand out and oh my brows are on fleek**

I’m dying in my own world of money

I’m dying on my own, help me somebody

*

*** i have a thigh gap and D-cups, my daddy’s a junkie, scum of the society

i haven’t eaten since last year  so all my bones stand out and oh my brows are on fleek***

here

 my blood has dried up on your face

my name means nothing and always will

you’re keeping me against my will

you are blindly ignoring

*hey

i’m here*

i am pouring out my heart

my lungs can’t seem to find peace

feed the freak and it will cease,

you say to those who ask

**

please, you can’t leave me here

i’m crawling on the floor

to win my dignity

but nobody cares

i’m giving up my health

to keep my sanity

i’ve lost it anyway

hey, are you still there?

so much for this love story

i’ll become one of you

i’ll keep my mouth shut

just to see you smile

maybe it’s meant to be

just a fake conspiracy

there are cameras everywhere

baby, you got pranked

sorry but this is no fun

i’m not your funny toy, set me free, talk to me, set me free

cold down here on the floor, nothing is happening

the silence is deafening

written white on black

the night sky gives me hunger

for sweat, for skin for blood

there is a star that shines

just for the two of us

in autumn leaves, in mud

where are you now, i wonder

the night sky makes me feel

so desperate but i love it

the need to be comforted

perception is distorted

and i don’t want to know

what’s real and what’s a lie

the night sky gives me hope

that somewhere, you exist

but if you're far away, is it night there or is it day?

if night, i won’t resist

climbing up the rope

imok

 i like your silly smiles

i wonder if they’re lies

i’m anxious all the time

i wonder, will it die?

*i mock i mock i mock girls like me

i mock, i mock, i’m mean to everyone

i am so mean i even mock myself, but hey, i’m okay*

i have a silly smile

but darling, it’s a lie

i’m not the only one

who sometimes wants to die

<black as night, sweet as sin, pouring right out through my skin

no one knows, no one cares, don’t exist, never been there

fallen leaves, i’m diseased, sunset sky, i’m on my knees

settle down, catch your breath, scared of life and scared of death>

**

what’s behind your silly smile?

stay right here for a little while

i’m not the only one who’s blinded by the sun

<<in my heart, piece of art,

i am feeling like a fart

secret code, overload, i’m about to fall apart

spiderweb, step by step, close your eyes and don’t be sad

it is cheap, go to sleep, never cry and never weep>>

**

** i mock i mock i mock girls like me

i mock, i mock, i’m mean to everyone

amok amok amok, smash my head, now i’m dead**

<>

<<>>

i’m dead

tox sick

 little Janey was so sweet in her red skirt

her raven locks were her wings that couldn’t fly

in your embrace she’d feel complete, you were her saviour

she opened way too much and swallowed your sweet lies

*little Janey didn’t throw away the expensive blood-red rose bouquet

she shaved her head and on the rooftop she’s blowing the petal smoke up to the sky*

little Janey talks to the moon when she can’t sleep

the cold light eases the pain on her wrists

if only mama knew this, what would she say?

oh, she’s so dried out she’d just nod and turn away

**

<little Janey locked the door

little Janey won’t let you in anymore

little Janey locked the door

little Janey won’t let anyone in anymore>

little Janey won’t talk to anybody - she’s too busy hating the world

she no longer remembers your number but still feels a certain kind of touch on her hand you used to hold

**

my self

 they tell me: “be yourself”

they tell me: “can’t you be more like HER?!”

they tell me: “control yourself!”

they tell me: “be as you always were”

well, i don’t have to be myself, i can be the girl whom everyone loves

i’ll mutilate your mental health, bite the ground, eat the dust

*here she goes, a little poseur, lips of rose, dust in her nose

she’d die to see the heart of thee in her hands, that’s how it goes*

now i have a thousand friends, they carve my name into their skin

can’t decide which one of my five boyfriends will help me do some sin tonight

**

my doll eyes will swallow you, from that depth there’s no return

if you exist, i own you unless you’d rather burn in hell

**

there’s lots of those who’ve bled for me, i store their dead hearts on my shelf

in the end you will see, it’s bad for you to be yourself

**

it’s not that i mean to be mean, it’s your own problem that you’re doomed

i’m the best you’ve ever seen, a flower freshly bloomed

you did not like the old me, you mocked me aloud on the street

too late for an apology, now you’re crawling at my feet

**

inout

all inner voices dressed in me

all hope to speak

all inner wounds inside of me

making me weak

are swelling and festering, then healing

and waking up again

my nerves just haven’t got their dose

for many weeks

my voices fight and i’m supposed

to never freak out

and function and progress, keep working

to make it as i planned

fuck my life

did you just call me

is it real?

am i high?

am i surrounded by ghosts

was i created by ghosts

is this a trick on my mind

is there a problem inside

how dare you say this is real

where have you been if it’s real

why am i making you real

i’ve got shit to do anyway

all inner voices dressed in me

are paralysed

all inner wounds i’ve tried to heal

are open wide

my nerves don’t understand the point

of calming down

my voices mute now start to haunt

my brain with no sound

your world just makes no sense to me

well just like mine

now you might stop the heart in me

if you just tried

i’m pushing and trying and trying

to make myself sane

to function and progress, keep working

to make it as i planned

fuck my life

did you just call me

is it real?

am i high?

am i surrounded by ghosts

was i created by ghosts

is this a trick on my mind

is there a problem inside

how dare you say this is real

where have you been if it’s real

why am i making you up

i’ve got shit to do anyway

all inner voices dead in me

drown it all

you seem so tragic but your heart still serves you well

you seem just like the one that i could take to hell

i want you just for once to give yourself to me

spend a while with your ghosts so they can set you free

and you’ll see i will be as nice as i can be

i’ll care for you with all due sensuality

drown it all, just for once, in darkness

give me your tears, i’ll drink them

lose it all, die under my hands

while i make all the pain go away

no one will know you're with me

and try to cry?

try -- but why?

just come to me and fall asleep

and die in peace

spasms in chasms and orgasms never help

errors and terrors make them rarer since you fell

and you should know by now

you’re not to be left by yourself

i’ve come here right on time to exploit your despair

i’ll stop at nothing til you’ve dropped your underwear

but when i leave you will suffer like before

i’m not an angel just a selfish human swine

good thing you’re not dumb enough to ever be mine

but beware honey there are hundreds like 

me out there

drown it all, just for once, in darkness

give me your tears, i’ll drink them

lose it all, die under my hands

while i make all the pain go away

no one will know

you’re with me

try to cry, try but why

just come to me

fall asleep and die in peace